Funny & Cracking Jokes

Subject: Brainy Little School boy (hilarious)

A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one ofher students.

The teacher asked, "Boy what is your problem?"

Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Neelam had enough.She took Boy to the principal's office. While Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.

Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"Boy.: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"Boy.: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the third-grade."Ms Neelam says to the principal,"I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him?" The principal and Boy both agree.

Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Boy, after a moment "Legs."

Ms Nee lam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Boy: "Pockets"

Ms Neelam: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy,oval,delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"

Boy: Coconut

Ms Neelam: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,Boy was taking charge.

Boy: Bubblegum

Ms Neelam: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...

Boy: Shake hands

Ms Neelam: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"

Boy.: "Yep"

Ms Neelam: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."

Boy: "Tent"

Ms Neelam: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."

The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large PatialaVodka peg.

Boy: " Wedding Ring"

Ms Neelam: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."

Boy: "Nose"

Ms Neelam: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."

Boy.: "Arrow"

Ms Neelam: "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?"

Boy.: "Firetruck"

Ms Neelam: "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it,u have to use ur hand"

Boy.: "Fork"

Ms Neelam: "What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wifeafter they're married?"

Boy.: "SURNAME"

Ms Neelam: "What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots ofveins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?"

Boy.: "HEART"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,"Send this Boy to National University , I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

Mrs.Udurawana caught Udurawana searching high and low all around his living room.

Mrs. Udurawana: "What are you searching for?"

Mr. Udurawana: "Hidden cameras!"

Mrs. Udurawana: "And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?"

Mr. Udurawana: "That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Every few minutes he keeps saying, 'You are watching Rupavahini channel'. How does he know that?"

__________________________________________

"Relaxing"

Udurawana was enjoying the sun at the beach in America.

A lady came and asked him, "Are you relaxing?"

Uduravana answered, "No, I am Udurawana" Another guy came and asked him the same question. Uduravana answered, "No! No! Me Udurawana!"

A third one came and asked him the same question again. Uduravana was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.

While walking he saw another Sri Lankan soaking in the sun. He went up to him and asked, "Are you Relaxing?"

The other man was a lot more educated and answered, "Yes, I am relaxing."

Uduravana slapped him on his face and said, "Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you and you are sitting over here!"

__________________________________________

"Heaven"

Udurawana! died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate, Saint Peter told him that new rules are in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance each soul must answer two simple questions:

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".

2. How many seconds are there in a year?

Udurawana thought for a few minutes and answered.

1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.

2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though? it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?"

Uduravana replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc..."

Saint Peter opens the gate without another word.

__________________________________________

"The Wash Basin"

Udurawana goes to a hotel in Colombo and eats heartily. After eating he goes to wash his hands but starts washing the basin instead.

The manager comes running and asks him, "Sir, what are you doing?"

Udurawana replies, "Read this board here, it says "Wash Basin".

_________________________________________

"English Exam"

Udurawana finished his English exam and came out.

His friends asked him how he did his exam.

He replied "Exam was okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I thought, thought, and thought, at last I wrote THUNK!!!"?

__________________________________________

"Answer the following questions in brief"

Udurawana is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes,and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his shirt and throws it away as well, followed by his pant, socks and watch. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. "I am only following the instructions here," he says, "it says here, "Answer the following questions in brief ".

__________________________________________

"Essay"

The English teacher told all the students in the class to write an essay on a cricket match. All were busy writing except Udurawana.

He has written. "DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH !!! "

__________________________________________

"The Postman"

The Postman: I have to come 5 miles to deliver you this parcel

Udurawana : Why did you come so far? Instead you could have posted it.

__________________________________________

"Letter to his Son"

Udurawana was writing something very slowly.

A Friend came and ask:" Why are you writing so slowly? " Udurawana replies "I'm writing to my 6 years old son,... he can't read very fast....

You can't make someone love you, all you can do is to be someone who can be loved, the rest is up to the person to realise your worth........ Do not expect Love in return. Just wait for it to grow in their heart. But if it does not, Be content that it grew in yours....

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get Ten times of that.

The woman said, "That's okay."For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you.

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack!!"

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you, Stop here and continue feeling good.....

Male readers: Please scroll down************

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this, it only goes to show that women never listen!!! that is why you read it even after our advise to stop!

Arrested for laughing!

This is from an actual trial in the UK :A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on Account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst outlaughing..................

She had him arrested.

Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.

His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement,which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'

The case was dismissed.........!!!

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?", "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato,and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again he man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and place sit on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's fantastic!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!", "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the talking ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: Religion, Royalty, Sex & Mystery.

The prize-winning essay read: "My God," said the queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

At a dinner, the speaker, who was a guest of honour, was about to deliver his speech. His wife, sitting at the other end of the table, sent to him a note with the word: "K-I-S-S" scribbled on it.

A guest seated next to the speaker said: "Your wife sent you a KISS before you begin your speech. She loves you very much.

The speaker replied: "You don't know my wife. Here the letters K-I-S-S stands for , "Keep It Short, Stupid!
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At another speech, an aged speaker felt uneasy during a Rotary lunch.

The chap seated next to him asked him: "What's the problem?

The old man replied: "Well, I've forgotten my denures and I'm embarrassed to speak."

The chap replied: "No Problem, I've got five or six sets of teeth in my pocket. Use one which fits you well."

The old man tried them all and found a set that fits and was delighted.

"Are you a dentist?" he asked.

"No, I'm an undertaker." the chap replied.
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Hahahaha, Hope these jokes brighten up your day!!!!:D

• He’s as sharp as a marble.
• She’s not he brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.
• I wish I had a blueprint for his brain; I’m trying to build an idiot.
• The cheese slipped off her cracker.
• That guy is as smart as bait.
• His elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.
• She forgot to pay her brain bill.
• His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.
• If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
• He’s missing a few buttons on his remote control.
• Her receiver is off the hook.
• The lights are on, but nobody’s home.

1) Why do a bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
2) What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
3) Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
4) Attempt to get new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade.
5) I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize
6) Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
7) Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
8) Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
9) Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off NOW!
10) Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
11) If at 1st, you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you’ve tried.
12) If at 1st, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
13) Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.
14) I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I make your horn louder.
15) Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have the film.

Customer: I’ve been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can’t get through to enquiries.
Operator: Where did you get the number from, sir?
Customer: It was on the door of the travel centre.
Operator: Those are our opening hours.

Customer: Can you give me Jack’s telephone number?
Operator: Sir, I don’t know who you are talking about.
Customer: On Page 1, section 5 of the user guide. It says that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning.
Operator: That is the telephone point on the wall.

Tech Support: Now right-click on the open desktop icon.
Customer: Okay
Tech Support: Did you get a pop-up menu?
Customer: No.
Tech Support: Right-click again. Did you see a pop-up menu?
Customer: No.
Tech Support: What have you done so far?
Customer: You told me to write “click”, so I wrote “click”.

i find this meaningful ............... hw abt u gals/guys out there?

A young man learns what's most important in life from the guy next door.It had been some time since Jack had seen the oldman. College, girls, career, and life itself got in the way. In fact, Jack moved clear across thecountry in pursuit of his dreams. There, in the rush of his busy life, Jack had little time to think about the past and often no time to spend with his wife and son. He was working on his future, and nothing could stop him.

Over the phone, his mother told him, "Mr. Belser died last night. The funeral is Wednesday."Memories flashed through his mind like an old news reel as he sat quietly remembering his childhood days.

"Jack, did you hear me?""Oh sorry, Mom. Yes, I heard you. It' s been so long since I thought of him. I'm sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago," Jack said."Well, he didn't forget you. Every time I saw him he'd ask how you were doing. He'd reminisce about the many days you spent over 'his side of the fence' as he put it," Mom told him."I loved that old house he lived in," Jack said.

"You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr. Belser stepped in to make sure you had a man's influence in your life," she said."He's the one who taught me carpentry," he said. "I wouldn't be in this business if it weren't for him.He spent a lot of time teaching me things he thought were important...Mom, I'll be there for the funeral," Jack said.

As busy as he was, he kept his word. Jack caught the next flight to his hometown. Mr. Belser's funeral was small and uneventful. He had no children of his own, and most of his relatives had passed away.The night before he had to return home, Jack and his Mom stopped by to see the old house next door one more time. Standing in the doorway, Jack paused fora moment. It was like crossing over into another dimension, a leap through space and time.

The house was exactly as he remembered. Every step held memories. Every picture, every piece of furniture....Jack stopped suddenly."What's wrong, Jack?" his Mom asked."The box is gone," he said."What box?" Mom asked."There was a small gold box that he kept locked on top of his desk. I must have asked him a thousand times what was inside. All he'd ever tell me was the thing I value most," Jack said. It was gone. Everything about the house was exactly how Jack remembered it, except for the box. He figured someone from the Belser family had taken it."Now I'll never know what was so valuable to him,"Jack said. "I better get some sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom."

It had been about two weeks since Mr. Belser died.Returning home from work one day Jack discovered a note in his mailbox. "Signature required on a package. No one at home. Please stop by the main post office within the next three days," the note read.Early the next day Jack retrieved the package. The small box was old and looked like it had been mailed a hundred years ago. The handwriting was difficult to read, but the return address caught his attention. "Mr. Harold Belser" it read.

Jack took the box out to his car and ripped open the package. There inside was the gold box and an envelope. Jack's hands shook as he read the note inside. "Upon my death, please forward this box and its contents to Jack Bennett. It's the thing I valued most in my life."A small key was taped to the letter. His heart racing, as tears filling his eyes,! Jack carefully unlocked the box. There inside he found a beautiful gold pocket watch. Running his fingers slowly over the finely etched casing, he unlatched the cover.Inside he found these words engraved: "Jack, Thanks for your time! - Harold Belser."

"The thing he valued most...was...my time."Jack held the watch for a few minutes, then called his office and cleared his appointments for the next two days. "Why?" Janet, his assistant asked."I need some time to spend with my son," he said."Oh, by the way, Janet...thanks for your time!"

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away,"Think about this. You may not realize it, but it's100% true.

1. At least 2 people in this world love you so much that they would die for you.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

3. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.

4. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

5. You mean the world to someone.

6. If not for you, someone may not be living.

7. You are special and unique.

8. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you trust God to do what's best, and wait on His time, sooner or later, you will get it or something better.

9. When you make the biggest mistake ever,something good can still come from it.

10. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look; you most likely turned your back on the world.

11. Someone that you don't even know exists, loves you.

12. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

13. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know and you'll both be happy.

14. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.If you send this letter to all the people you care about, you will certainly brighten someone's day andmight change their perspective on life... for the better.To everyone I sent this: "Thank you for your time."