Funny & Cracking Jokes

• He’s as sharp as a marble.
• She’s not he brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.
• I wish I had a blueprint for his brain; I’m trying to build an idiot.
• The cheese slipped off her cracker.
• That guy is as smart as bait.
• His elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.
• She forgot to pay her brain bill.
• His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.
• If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
• He’s missing a few buttons on his remote control.
• Her receiver is off the hook.
• The lights are on, but nobody’s home.

1) Why do a bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
2) What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
3) Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
4) Attempt to get new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade.
5) I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize
6) Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
7) Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
8) Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
9) Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off NOW!
10) Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
11) If at 1st, you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you’ve tried.
12) If at 1st, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
13) Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.
14) I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I make your horn louder.
15) Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have the film.

Customer: I’ve been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can’t get through to enquiries.
Operator: Where did you get the number from, sir?
Customer: It was on the door of the travel centre.
Operator: Those are our opening hours.

Customer: Can you give me Jack’s telephone number?
Operator: Sir, I don’t know who you are talking about.
Customer: On Page 1, section 5 of the user guide. It says that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning.
Operator: That is the telephone point on the wall.

Tech Support: Now right-click on the open desktop icon.
Customer: Okay
Tech Support: Did you get a pop-up menu?
Customer: No.
Tech Support: Right-click again. Did you see a pop-up menu?
Customer: No.
Tech Support: What have you done so far?
Customer: You told me to write “click”, so I wrote “click”.

i find this meaningful ............... hw abt u gals/guys out there?

A young man learns what's most important in life from the guy next door.It had been some time since Jack had seen the oldman. College, girls, career, and life itself got in the way. In fact, Jack moved clear across thecountry in pursuit of his dreams. There, in the rush of his busy life, Jack had little time to think about the past and often no time to spend with his wife and son. He was working on his future, and nothing could stop him.

Over the phone, his mother told him, "Mr. Belser died last night. The funeral is Wednesday."Memories flashed through his mind like an old news reel as he sat quietly remembering his childhood days.

"Jack, did you hear me?""Oh sorry, Mom. Yes, I heard you. It' s been so long since I thought of him. I'm sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago," Jack said."Well, he didn't forget you. Every time I saw him he'd ask how you were doing. He'd reminisce about the many days you spent over 'his side of the fence' as he put it," Mom told him."I loved that old house he lived in," Jack said.

"You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr. Belser stepped in to make sure you had a man's influence in your life," she said."He's the one who taught me carpentry," he said. "I wouldn't be in this business if it weren't for him.He spent a lot of time teaching me things he thought were important...Mom, I'll be there for the funeral," Jack said.

As busy as he was, he kept his word. Jack caught the next flight to his hometown. Mr. Belser's funeral was small and uneventful. He had no children of his own, and most of his relatives had passed away.The night before he had to return home, Jack and his Mom stopped by to see the old house next door one more time. Standing in the doorway, Jack paused fora moment. It was like crossing over into another dimension, a leap through space and time.

The house was exactly as he remembered. Every step held memories. Every picture, every piece of furniture....Jack stopped suddenly."What's wrong, Jack?" his Mom asked."The box is gone," he said."What box?" Mom asked."There was a small gold box that he kept locked on top of his desk. I must have asked him a thousand times what was inside. All he'd ever tell me was the thing I value most," Jack said. It was gone. Everything about the house was exactly how Jack remembered it, except for the box. He figured someone from the Belser family had taken it."Now I'll never know what was so valuable to him,"Jack said. "I better get some sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom."

It had been about two weeks since Mr. Belser died.Returning home from work one day Jack discovered a note in his mailbox. "Signature required on a package. No one at home. Please stop by the main post office within the next three days," the note read.Early the next day Jack retrieved the package. The small box was old and looked like it had been mailed a hundred years ago. The handwriting was difficult to read, but the return address caught his attention. "Mr. Harold Belser" it read.

Jack took the box out to his car and ripped open the package. There inside was the gold box and an envelope. Jack's hands shook as he read the note inside. "Upon my death, please forward this box and its contents to Jack Bennett. It's the thing I valued most in my life."A small key was taped to the letter. His heart racing, as tears filling his eyes,! Jack carefully unlocked the box. There inside he found a beautiful gold pocket watch. Running his fingers slowly over the finely etched casing, he unlatched the cover.Inside he found these words engraved: "Jack, Thanks for your time! - Harold Belser."

"The thing he valued most...was...my time."Jack held the watch for a few minutes, then called his office and cleared his appointments for the next two days. "Why?" Janet, his assistant asked."I need some time to spend with my son," he said."Oh, by the way, Janet...thanks for your time!"

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away,"Think about this. You may not realize it, but it's100% true.

1. At least 2 people in this world love you so much that they would die for you.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

3. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.

4. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

5. You mean the world to someone.

6. If not for you, someone may not be living.

7. You are special and unique.

8. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you trust God to do what's best, and wait on His time, sooner or later, you will get it or something better.

9. When you make the biggest mistake ever,something good can still come from it.

10. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look; you most likely turned your back on the world.

11. Someone that you don't even know exists, loves you.

12. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

13. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know and you'll both be happy.

14. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.If you send this letter to all the people you care about, you will certainly brighten someone's day andmight change their perspective on life... for the better.To everyone I sent this: "Thank you for your time."

一周不做爱，浑身不自在。
一月不做爱，一做太历害。
半年不做爱，不会放过老太太。
一年不做爱，不是阳萎就是变态。
为了祖国下一代，请你天天要做爱！！！


懂多多就做多多，
想多多就烦多多，
看多多就事多多，
睡多多就梦多多，
讲多多就错多多，
最好就是买多多，
买多多就中多多，
中了多多钱多多，
下半辈子乐多多，
祝你好运！！！


先上一个菜，祝你人人爱！
再上一碗汤，身体永健康！
喝上一杯酒，金钱天天有！
再来一晚饭，亲情永相伴！
最后一杯水，生活永甜美！


狗年开始，
鼠钱不完，
牛那样壮，
虎虎生威，
兔气杨眉，
龙马精神，
蛇得浪费，
马到功成，
羊洋得意，
猴会有期，
鸡不可失，
狗用就算，
猪你发财！


老婆床上要轻松，
老公上床要进攻，
老婆兴奋叫老公，
老公高潮立大功，
老婆高兴不放松，
老公无奈又再冲，
老婆满意入梦中，
老公脚软腰又痛！


知心+爱心+痴心+真心+恒心+关心，
我都以“诚心”送给你，
但有没有发觉当中少了一个心呢？
那就是“开心”。
我用尽我的“全心”
祝你开开心心！！！


想你，是间很快乐的事。
见你，是间很开心的事。
爱你，是我永远要做的事。
把你放在心上，是我一直在做的事。
不过，骗你是间刚刚发生的事！


一对青年约会，初次见面，
男问女，以前交过男朋友吗？
女羞涩的说： “一条河，两座山，至今没人参观。。。，你呢？”
男长叹道：“一支枪，两颗弹，至今没人参战。。。！


人生就像一场梦！
昨晚多多又没中！
浪费金钱又心痛！
想要入梦，梦一梦！
看看何时做富翁！
作了三天白日梦！
梦醒来还是两手空！
日想夜想变丁东！
想来想去，已想通！
还是好好来做工！