Funny & Cracking Jokes

Mrs.Udurawana caught Udurawana searching high and low all around his living room.

Mrs. Udurawana: "What are you searching for?"

Mr. Udurawana: "Hidden cameras!"

Mrs. Udurawana: "And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?"

Mr. Udurawana: "That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Every few minutes he keeps saying, 'You are watching Rupavahini channel'. How does he know that?"

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"Relaxing"

Udurawana was enjoying the sun at the beach in America.

A lady came and asked him, "Are you relaxing?"

Uduravana answered, "No, I am Udurawana" Another guy came and asked him the same question. Uduravana answered, "No! No! Me Udurawana!"

A third one came and asked him the same question again. Uduravana was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.

While walking he saw another Sri Lankan soaking in the sun. He went up to him and asked, "Are you Relaxing?"

The other man was a lot more educated and answered, "Yes, I am relaxing."

Uduravana slapped him on his face and said, "Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you and you are sitting over here!"

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"Heaven"

Udurawana! died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate, Saint Peter told him that new rules are in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance each soul must answer two simple questions:

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".

2. How many seconds are there in a year?

Udurawana thought for a few minutes and answered.

1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.

2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though? it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?"

Uduravana replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc..."

Saint Peter opens the gate without another word.

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"The Wash Basin"

Udurawana goes to a hotel in Colombo and eats heartily. After eating he goes to wash his hands but starts washing the basin instead.

The manager comes running and asks him, "Sir, what are you doing?"

Udurawana replies, "Read this board here, it says "Wash Basin".

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"English Exam"

Udurawana finished his English exam and came out.

His friends asked him how he did his exam.

He replied "Exam was okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I thought, thought, and thought, at last I wrote THUNK!!!"?

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"Answer the following questions in brief"

Udurawana is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes,and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his shirt and throws it away as well, followed by his pant, socks and watch. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. "I am only following the instructions here," he says, "it says here, "Answer the following questions in brief ".

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"Essay"

The English teacher told all the students in the class to write an essay on a cricket match. All were busy writing except Udurawana.

He has written. "DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH !!! "

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"The Postman"

The Postman: I have to come 5 miles to deliver you this parcel

Udurawana : Why did you come so far? Instead you could have posted it.

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"Letter to his Son"

Udurawana was writing something very slowly.

A Friend came and ask:" Why are you writing so slowly? " Udurawana replies "I'm writing to my 6 years old son,... he can't read very fast....

You can't make someone love you, all you can do is to be someone who can be loved, the rest is up to the person to realise your worth........ Do not expect Love in return. Just wait for it to grow in their heart. But if it does not, Be content that it grew in yours....

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get Ten times of that.

The woman said, "That's okay."For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you.

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack!!"

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you, Stop here and continue feeling good.....

Male readers: Please scroll down************

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this, it only goes to show that women never listen!!! that is why you read it even after our advise to stop!

Arrested for laughing!

This is from an actual trial in the UK :A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on Account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst outlaughing..................

She had him arrested.

Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.

His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement,which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'

The case was dismissed.........!!!

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?", "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato,and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again he man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and place sit on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's fantastic!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!", "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the talking ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: Religion, Royalty, Sex & Mystery.

The prize-winning essay read: "My God," said the queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"