Funny & Cracking Jokes

THREE women were dead and go to the heaven.

St Peter greets them and says: "Once you are into the heaven. you mustn't step on any ducks."

The women agree.

Once they get in, its wall-to-wall ducks.

A day goes by, and the 1st women steps on a duck.

St Peter comes back with this old, smelly fat, ugly man and chains them together, saying: "For stepping on a duck, you have to spend forever chained to this man."

Another day goes by, and the 2nd woman steps on a duck, and St Peter comes back with another old, smelly, fat, ugly man and chains them together too.

The third woman sees this happening and doesn;'t want it to happen to her.

So a month goes by, and she hasn't stepped on a single duck.

St Peter comes back and chains her together with this really handsome man and walks away.

The third woman says: "How come I have the pleasure of being chained to you?" ;)

The handsome man replies: "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

SEX IS A TEMPTATION CAUSED BY A SENSATION WHEN A MAN PUTS HIS DICTATION IN A WOMAN'S VENTILATION.

DO YOU GET MY CONVERSATION?

OR DO YOU NEED A DEMONSTRATION?

SKY IS BLUE,

WATER IS WET,

I'LL MAKE YOU CUM,

I'LL MAKE YOU SWEAT!

PRESSED AGAINST MY BODY,

MOVIN UP AND DOWN,

SLOWLY BUT FIRMLY,

WE WILL MOVE THE GROUND!

SEX IS EVIL!

SEX IS A GAME!

ONE NIGHT OF PASSION!

NINE MONTHS OF PAIN!

SEX IS LIKE MATH,

YOU SUBTRACT THE CLOTHES,

ADD THE BED,

DIVIDE THE LEGS,

THEN MULTIPLY!

ROSES ARE RED,

GRASS IS GREEN,

OPEN YOUR LEGS,

AND I'LL FILL YOU WITH CREAM!

HICKERY DICKERY DOC

DIS BYTCH WAS SUCKIN MY COCK

THE CLOCK STRUCK TWO

I DUMPED MY GOO

AND DUMPED HER AT DA END OF THE BLOCK!!!

SEX IS GOOD!

SEX IS FINE!

DOGGY STYLE OR 69

JUST FOR FUN OR GETTING PAID,

EVERYONE LIKES GETTING LAID,

SEX IS EVIL!

SEX IS A SIN!

SINS ARE FORGIVEN,

SO STICK IT IN!!!

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious.He had been hearing quite a bit about 'making out' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.

This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother.

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while,then he turned off most of the lights.Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis mustbe getting sick, because her face started looking funny.He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart,just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too,because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath.His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt.

About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot.Finally, I found out what was making them so sick......-a big eel ;had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long,honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said itwas the biggest one she's ever seen;

I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house!Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel bybiting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight.Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.

After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough,they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly,the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again.I guess eels are like cats- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

Now that you've read it, post it and have good luckin "gettin' sum" forever!

Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch while others do the work.

They are called "Spec Taters".

Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work.

They are called "Comment Taters".

Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't want to soil their own hands.

They are called "Dick Taters".

Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet.

They are called "Agie Taters".

There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to actually doing the promised help.

They are called "Hezzie Taters".

Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not.

They are called "Immy Taters".

Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others.

They are called "Sweet Po Taters".

If you know any "Sweet Po Taters", send this to them!!