Funny & Cracking Jokes

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"

"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie."

"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they wil not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'.

The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son", he replied.

Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?" The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said,"Go ahead Father......... Next!"

Mathematics
Betsy:"if you have $2,and you ask your father for $4,how much will you have?"
Billy:"Two dollars"
Betsy:"you don't know your mathematics much."
Billy:"you don't know my father either."

Grammer
Teacher:"If i say the sentence ' i am beautiful ',what tense am i using?"
Pupil:"Pre-tense,Miss!"

Punctuation
An english professor wrote the words: " Woman without her man is nothing,"on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The guys wrote; " Woman,without her man,is nothing."
The girls wrote; " woman!,without her, man is nothing."

Gender Superiority
A man asked the female clerk in the bookstore, " have you a bookentitled," Man, master of the home?"
The clerk looked at him for amoment and then replied, "Try the fiction section."

Writer Anonymous
An atheist professor of philosophy speaks to his class on the problem science has with God, The Almighty. He asks one of his new Christian students to stand and....

Professor: You are a Christian, aren't you, son?
Student : Yes, sir.

Prof: So you believe in God?
Student : Absolutely, sir.

Prof: Is God good?
Student : Sure.

Prof: Is God all-powerful?
Student : Yes.

Prof: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to God to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But God didn't. How is this God good then?
Hmm?(Student is silent.)

Prof: You can't answer, can you? Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?
Student :Yes.

Prof: Is Satan good?
Student : No.

Prof: Where does Satan come from?
Student : From...God...

Prof: That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?
Student : Yes.

Prof: Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything. Correct?
Student : Yes.

Prof: So who created evil?(Student does not answer.)

Prof: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don't they?
Student :Yes, sir.

Prof: So, who created them?(Student has no answer.)

Prof: Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son... Have you ever seen God?
Student: No, sir.

Prof: Tell us if you have ever heard your God?
Student : No , sir.

Prof: Have you ever felt your God, tasted your God, smelt your God? Have you ever had any sensory perception of God for that matter?
Student : No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.

Prof: Yet you still believe in Him?
Student : Yes.

Prof: According to empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your GOD doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?
Student : Nothing. I only have my faith.

Prof: Yes. Faith. And that is the problem science has.

Student : Professor, is there such a thing as heat?
Prof: Yes.

Student : And is there such a thing as cold?
Prof: Yes.

Student : No sir. There isn't.(The lecture theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events.)

Student : Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, megaheat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don't have anythingcalled cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but wecan't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold.Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.(There is pin-drop silence in the lecture theatre.)

Student : What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?
Prof: Yes. What is night if there isn't darkness?

Student : You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light... But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? In reality, darkness isn't. If it were you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?

Prof: So what is the point you are making, young man?
Student : Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.

Prof: Flawed? Can you explain how?
Student : Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?

Prof: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.
Student : Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?
(The Professor shakes his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument is going.)

Student : Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavour, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher?(The class is in uproar.)

Student : Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor's brain?(The class breaks out into laughter.)
Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor's brain,felt it, touched or smelt it?... No one appears to have done so. So,according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect,sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?

(The room is silent. The professor stares at the student, his face unfathomable.)
Prof: I guess you'll have to take them on faith, son.
Student : That is it sir... The link between man & god is FAITH. That is all that keeps things moving & alive.

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If your father is a poor man,

it is your fate but,

if your father-in-law is a poor man,

it's your stupidity

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I was born intelligent -

education ruined me

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Practice makes perfect!

But nobody's perfect!

so why practice?

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If it's true that we are here to help others,

then what exactly are the others here for?

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Since light travels faster than sound,

people appear bright until you hear them speak

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How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

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Money is not everything.

There's Mastercard & Visa

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One should love animals.

They are so tasty

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Behind every successful man, there is a woman

And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two

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Every man should marry.

After all, happiness is not the only thing in life!

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The wise never marry.

and when they marry they become otherwise

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Success is a relative term.

It brings so many relatives

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Never put off the work till tomorrow

what you can put off today

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"Your future depends on your dreams"

So go to sleep

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There should be a better way to start a day

Than waking up every morning

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"Hard work never killed anybody"

But why take the risk

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"Work fascinates me"

I can look at it for hours

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God made relatives;

Thank God we can choose our friends

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The more you learn, the more you know,

The more you know, the more you forget

The more you forget, the less you know

So.. why learn

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A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station....

what more can I say........

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